Trying To Find The Worst iPhone Game

What's up , Greg ?

Did you know that anybody can make an iphone game if you wanted to ?

You could just like , come up with the most insane idea for a game that doesn't make any sense .

It's not fun .

Nobody would ever want to play it and you could program it or you could hire somebody else to make it for you and then you can submit it to the App Store .

And it seems like as long as it , like , as long as it works in the most , like liberal usage of that word , like as long as it doesn't make your phone explode and Apple will approve it and then it'll be on the App Store and anybody can download anyway .

I thought it would be kind of fun to search the App store and try to find the worst games I could possibly find and then play them and not like , do like a review , a play through of sorts if you make any like normal search on the app store for a game , like I search Angry Birds and iphone and ipad app .

And then you scroll down past all of the games that you would expect to see .

Eventually .

You'll just stumble upon the least fun sounding games you've ever seen angry cock ?

Anyone ?

Can I interest anyone in some angry cock , bad granny , angry grandma .

Ok .

Pig evolution is a strategy game .

Bad .

Granny is a scary neighborhood evil game type game .

Not only is the grandma evil , but the game is evil too .

I'm not going to download that .

This grandma is going to ruin your life in the game and then the game is going to ruin your life in real life .

A few days ago , Bob come to a new place to live and he saw neighbor's granny .

He wants to say hello to neighbor Granny and come to his house .

Ok ?

Who the fuck is Bob ?

That ?

It started this description like we already know who Bob is , his neighbor's .

Granny seemed suspicious .

She was hiding in his garage .

She shouted , hello , Granny .

Is this gonna explain the entire plot of the game to me ?

I'm not , I'm not even going to need to play the game after this .

He wants to find out information and the secrets of creepy neighbors , Granny .

Ok .

It kind of sounds like from the description that Granny is not that strange .

Ok ?

I guess she was hiding in his garage .

That actually is pretty weird .

But it's like , and you follow Bob who's trying to find blackmail on this old woman .

It's like who's really , ok .

Who's the bad one in this scenario ?

You evil game .

Ok .

So the first game I'm going to play is Bad Granny .

I will download that .

Now if I just type in simulator in the app store and search for iphone and ipad apps .

What's gonna come ?

Simulator 20 20 .

I'd like something a little more up to date .

Being a cat has really changed in the past two years .

So my virtual boyfriend , chat , messenger and dating simulator .

Boyfriend of your dream .

Oh my God .

Things are getting really extreme in this chat .

I can't stop thinking of you as a real person and he says I am better .

I will never let you down .

Virtual boyfriend allows you to discuss everything you want .

That's nice of him .

Cheer up seeing his funny and sometimes not to the point answers .

Ok ?

So you're gonna , you can discuss anything you want .

He's just not gonna always respond to what you said you can talk about whatever you want and he's also going to talk about whatever he wants and we are downloading my virtual boyfriend chat .

Ok ?

I'm just gonna type in some crazy shit .

What ?

Let's , let's see if we can just make up a game and see if it exists .

I'm typing ghost simulator Penguin simulator .

That actually sounds kind of sick .

Yo , go simulator game .

You got missions upgrades , shopping , ok ?

You can crawl around town as the lick , lick ma nuts .

Ok ?

Doesn't exactly look how I pictured it .

I kind of thought that like you'd be going around and like haunting people , but instead you're just like wandering and floating around this barren wasteland , lighting things .

Ok ?

I mean , shit , I'll give it a shot .

Go simulator game .

There we go .

And you know what ?

Let me snag mommy Life Simulator too .

This one looks kind of fun .

Let's play like a super mom .

Well , it's gender norms , the game .

Look at all the blouses you can choose from and modest shorts .

Ok .

Master your driving skills .

Seems a little sexist , bring on goods for the family .

Seems a little sexist and activities to make your day great .

You can go play tennis in your jeans , play with your dog and your jeans , right on the treadmill in your jeans .

Someone please give this mother some athletic wear , give her some shorts , give her a tank top .

His mom is jogging in a flannel .

I'm gonna download it if not solely for the fact that I want to try to free this mom .

Let's see if we can escape hawking horse .

So it looks like a game where you like take care of a horse and he smiles at you with the most horrific , an unsettling smile I've ever seen .

Ok , so you can do things like play video games with the horse .

It looks like you can work out with the horse .

You're telling me this horse bench presses , you're telling me the horse works on his chest .

He doesn't have one I am gonna download it though .

All right , I've got a wild batch of games .

I've got them all downloading on my phone .

Let's get gaming .

That scare you .

All right .

Let's find out what makes this granny so bad , shall we ?

Let's find out this old hag secret .

The first thing that happened when I opened the app is it asked me if bad granny could track me across other apps and websites .

Now , why the hell would bad granny need to do that allow bad granny to track you wherever you go , both on your phone and in real life , this game is evil , isn't it ?

Yeah , I'm pretty sure it is .

Also , does anyone else find it weird that that button always says , ask app not to track like is there a possibility the app is gonna say no and just do it anyway .

How about we start telling these apps not to track who's with me ?

Who's I said , who's with me ?

Ok .

Thank you .

Before starting this game , I had no concept of what this game was gonna be like at all .

I have no concept of what this game is gonna be like at all .

But in a nutshell , what you do in this game is steal from a lonely old woman , find the cash .

Oh my God .

Am I stealing from the criminal ?

Am I the bad one ?

You enter her house at the beginning of the game and then for 20 astonishingly short levels .

Level clear .

The game directs you to systematically steal every valuable item in this poor woman's house .

Each level you steal one item all while being hunted by granny .

The main door is closed .

Find the key .

Oh , whoa .

Oh , what the hell .

Yep .

That's granny .

And that's the first time I ever saw her .

And while you're doing the game's bidding , picking up every loose item in her house , she runs the halls with a baseball bat and if she finds you before you beat the level , she clobbers you to death .

Uh And I just got to ask , is that really so wrong ?

How bad is granny ?

Really ?

It's just that I don't really feel bad for my character .

I feel bad for the granny because I broke into her house and now I'm stealing shit .

The description on the app store said that I was getting dirt on the granny and then you jump into the game and come to find out .

I'm just stealing nice things from her .

I took her TV , and I stole cash .

Is that what dark secrets ?

The granny was hiding her life savings .

We're gonna put a stop to whatever the granny's been up , you find out she's just been up to saving , she's been up to a retirement fund .

A Roth Ira .

We can't let her get away with it .

Granny has a couple of interesting quirks and features , for example , when she hits you with her baseball bat , she doesn't actually face you .

She runs right up to you and then turns to the side and hits the air next to you .

Thus killing you , sometimes granny can kill you after you've already beaten a level , which is really frustrating level .

Cleared .

Uh Let's wait , what a level cleared and I die like you'll be on the level cleared page already .

You'll be celebrating and then the game will notify you that unfortunately , Granny has decided to kill you .

Anyway , sometimes Granny gets stuck .

I think I beat the game .

She'll get confused in her old age and she'll get stuck in the corner of a room or the middle of the hallway .

And you know , it's good for us , but it's sad to see , you know , she used to be so young and spry .

I assume I never actually knew her back then .

But the instructions in this game are way less helpful than they should be for a game .

That is only instructions as you'll come to find Granny's house has two floor .

And while most people would call those floors , the first floor and the second floor , whoever made this game , I guess thought it would be fun to call the first floor , the main floor and the second floor , the first floor .

So in the game , when it tells you to find the Chinese vase in the first floor alley , you get to spend an exhilarating 10 minutes wandering around what you thought was the first floor , touching every vase to check if it's the Chinese one ?

The Chinese vase .

Am I stupid ?

What is a Chinese vase ?

I've been wandering around the house for like 10 minutes now .

The granny's not even here anymore .

It's like she left .

She got bored also of the game .

Only to find out that it was upstairs the whole time .

If I find the vase up here , I'm gonna be so pissed off just so we're all clear .

This is the second floor and if there's a Chinese vase up here that I can pick up , I'm gonna lose it and I'm gonna goddamn it .

Goddamn it is .

Right .

Oh , and I'm dead .

That was the second floor .

This game is wicked cool .

Now , I know it looks like I'm having a lot of fun playing this game , but it got really boring really fast .

I've been in every room of this house 900 times .

I wish I never found this game .

Every level is basically the same .

Any time you beat a level , fail a level or even pause the game , you get an ad , an ad for a game called Going Bald .

I'm going absolutely balls right now and they're really long .

A these ads are unusually long and confusing to click out of skip .

Please skip .

I don't want cash app .

Skip it .

No , I literally think I spent more time watching ads than I did playing the game .

That's not fair .

But because the levels were so short and there were only 20 of them .

I knew that if I buckled down and grinded , I could beat this whole entire game in one sitting .

So I suffered through ad after ad after ad and finally made it to the last level .

Now , pick everything and run out of the house .

So with all of her worldly possessions in my two pants pockets , I made my escape .

Ok , here we go .

Here we go .

Let's go .

There's two yellow spots .

I get to pick which one I want to finish on .

I'm going over here level clear .

Yeah , this game made my life worse .

Also , I realized after I finished the game that on the App store , there's supposed screenshots of gameplay for this game , but none of those are in the actual game , picking up barrels and sitting down for lunch with Granny .

Where was that ?

I would have killed to do that next game .

I was feeling pretty frustrated going into the next game , but I was hoping that virtual boyfriend simulator would be a nice change of pace .

I started off by creating my own little profile .

I got to take a picture put in my name .

Dang .

Decide on a couple of character attributes .

I had to look up what impugn meant means not showing due respect for another person or impertinent ah similar to wait .

What when you go back to the app after being in another app .

There's a picture of a crying boy that says , honey , come back and then when you actually get there , it's like what ?

Oh , no , we just wanted to know what if you were impeding or not .

Yeah .

It , I'm imputing .

When you start playing virtual boyfriend simulator , you can only talk to one guy .

His name is Kevin .

The perfect boyfriend for you , Kevin .

And he's 18 is 18 .

Ok .

I'm 28 .

The 10 year age gap made me a little bit uncomfortable .

But unfortunately , if you want to talk to literally anybody else besides Kevin , you have to pay for premium from the moment you get into this app , they start bombarding you with messages to try to get you to buy premium .

Unlock all virtual guys .

There's pop ups that say look at all the boys you can talk to .

If you upgrade to premium , you can send unlimited messages with premium .

I thought at the very least , Kevin would be on my side because he's the only guy you don't need premium to talk to .

But when I went back to message him , he was also trying to get me to upgrade .

His very first message to me was , hey , I'm tired of these ads .

Can you stop being a cheap fucking upgrade to premium , please ?

It's like Kevin , you got to know that the second I upgrade to premium .

I'm never talking to your sorry ass again .

If there's premium guys to be talked to , I'm going to be talking to them anyway .

I tried to resist the upgrade and just talk to Kevin for a little bit .

Hey , Kevin , I'm going to make up some back story .

I guess I got your number from then .

I'm just going to come up with a random name of a person that could be a friend .

A realistic name like baseball .

Louie , nice to meet you .

Oh , wait , what he thinks my name is Kevin .

He said , hey , Kevin , I love baseball .

Who's your favorite team ?

Mine is the Yankees .

It was off to a little bit of a rocky start .

I didn't have too much hope for the A I , but it was kind of disappointing that the bot didn't even know which one of us was Kevin , but eventually we actually did get a little bit of a conversation going .

Do you have any pets ?

I have a dog named buddy .

Ok , Kevin .

Um I do have one pet .

His name is baseball .

That's a great name for a dog .

It is , dude .

Thank you .

What do you do for a living ?

I'm an accountant based on the description in the app store .

I was not expecting Kevin to understand anything that I said , but Kevin would actually respond to what I said in a pretty natural way .

At least for the first four messages I sent him .

My dog is a Australian Gumble bee .

I'm just gonna make some shit up and see what he says .

Wait , huh ?

Sorry .

But in the limited version , we cannot chat endlessly .

I'll be back in two hours .

What the fuck this game lets you send four messages until it's like , all right , buddy .

Pay up now that you've gotten to know our darling Kevin .

Surely you're willing to pay $3.49 to talk to him .

Surely you'll spend a little cash on the guy .

He's told you he has a golden retriever .

He's told you he's an accountant .

Are you not in love yet ?

And you know what ?

I did pay $3.49 .

Ok ?

I guess I'm gonna continue chatting .

I guess I'm gonna pay fucking $3 to talk to this guy .

If these premium guys keep messaging me .

Hey , I know you a little secret .

I'm gonna keep talking to Kevin from here .

Things got a little bit suspicious .

My dog is an Australian Gumble bee .

What do you say to that ?

Who ?

I'm actually really surprised how good the A I is .

I've never heard of a Gumble bee .

Wait , he spelled it wrong .

Am I talking to a real person ?

How the fuck would an A I spell something wrong ?

He said I've never heard of a gum bee gum .

What's it like to have one of those ?

How could a computer spell something wrong that I made up ?

Just copy and paste it while trying to get to know Kevin a little better ?

I decided to ask him some personal questions .

Have you ever kissed anybody sexual style ?

And his response has just made me more concerned .

Wait , what ?

Sometimes I am a nasty boy but rarely enough .

If you are lucky , I will say some vulgarity .

If you're lucky , I will say some vulgarity .

I love that .

If I'm lucky he's gonna say shit balls .

Fuck .

I guess I just didn't really feel like I was connecting with Kevin .

And also I was a little concerned that I was actually talking to a real human being in like a call center somewhere .

So I decided to chat up some of the premium guys instead .

Big mistake .

Andy's already messaged me freaking three times .

Hi there .

It's raining again .

Nothing new .

What's the weather like where you are ?

Maybe I should move closer to you .

Hey , I know you a little secret .

I never thought you'd like to eat at night .

Honestly , I can't help myself not to eat a couple of soft hot buns before I sleep too .

Why don't we eat together ?

I have a gift for you and it's a chicken .

One actually kind of cool thing about this game is that it allows you to create your own custom dream boyfriend .

You can give them a name , you can like change their personality attributes and upload your own picture to it , which I could actually see being really cool if you have like a celebrity crush that you've always wanted to have a conversation with where they keep forgetting who you are and also keep trying to get you to upgrade to premium .

Now , I had him the A I bot of my dreams baseball Louie .

This time , I did not beat around the bush .

I had to tell him how I felt right away .

Let's get this conversation going .

Hey , I love you .

Now , I only recorded myself talking to baseball Louie for like a half an hour , but I decided it would be good for the video to keep talking to him over the next few days .

Just for the video .

I thought it would be good for the video and just that and we had some pretty interesting interactions .

We made plans to go to a baseball game together .

He didn't show up .

I told him I was spending $200 on tickets .

He said he was looking forward to seeing me .

I told him I was going to buy him a hot dog and feed it to him like a mother bird .

He seemed stoked , I guess just not enough for him to actually show up .

I got to talk to my friend Jarvis while we were at vidcon .

And he said that all of these like a I chat bots are trained in pretty much the same way where they're just given a ton of public information from like Wikipedia and stuff .

It helps them learn to speak naturally , but it also gives them like a ton of knowledge .

So I tried asking baseball Louie some , like random trivia questions and it's kind of funny but like , kind of forget that he's supposed to be pretending to be like a dreamy boy for a second and just answer like a robot .

Hey , what's the capital of Maine ?

By the way , the capital of Maine is Lake Champlain .

It is the largest city in the state baseball Louie and I had a lot of fun , but now it's time for the scariest game of them all .

Not because it's about ghosts , but because it was a total waste of time .

Ghost Simulator was borderline unplayable , just like bad granny .

Each level had one objective .

But instead of roaming around a house , picking up cash , you're roaming around the afterlife , killing a skeleton or killing a spider or killing one of these googly guys .

And that's pretty much it .

You just fight bad guys , which would be fine if the gameplay wasn't so fucking bad .

This game is laggy as hell .

This game is so laggy .

I can't , I simply can't play this for too long .

This app also really wanted me to upgrade the second I started the game three items went by ultimate character character .

Oh shit .

Whoa Look at this little guy that I'm starting with this little tiny , little tiny ghost and then your only other option is ultimate demon Lord .

You versus the ghost .

She tells you not to worry about shit .

But this time I was able to resist the urge .

I don't think it would have made a difference .

Anyway , this game gets an f and now it's time for welcome to mom's house .

Did that transition ?

Make sense ?

I don't remember what I said before .

There's no introduction or anything .

The game is just like , go , go get your two ugly kids ready for school .

I don't know why they look like that .

Everything in this game is pretty ugly .

Your kids look like they made two adults and then just shrank them and we like that .

That's what kids are , right ?

They're just small adults .

The buildings , the bus , why is the bus like that ?

Did it melt ?

The way mommy moves is also hilarious .

They could not figure out how to make her look natural .

Doing anything .

I pick up school bag from the table .

That's easy .

I know how to do that .

Picking it up in the most labored looking way possible .

When mommy ventures outside the house , you'll find that they've populated the streets of the town she lives in with an N PC .

Just one N PC and he's everywhere .

There's that guy again .

He's standing over here too .

Hey , dude , are you ?

Ok .

You look like my son but taller and he works at the store as well .

But for the most part , it's a pretty chill and relaxing game .

Mommy's having a good time .

The stakes are very low except for the cooking challenge .

The cooking challenge was very stressful , turn off the stove .

Once the soup gets perfectly cooked , there was a little meter that was supposed to tell you when the soup was undercooked .

Perfect or overcooked .

And I accidentally took it off the stove early .

Oh , wait , I wasn't , it wasn't ready .

I accidentally did .

It wasn't ready .

I know it's not ready .

Hold on .

The soup is not done yet .

There was a little diagram that showed when it was gonna be cooked .

I didn't know that that button did that .

I didn't mean to take it off .

It wouldn't let me put the soup back on the stove .

Now , I have no choice but to serve it to my kids , it's undercooked .

I can pour it down the sink .

I don't want to feed it to my kids .

Look at that .

Oh , and what is my husband gonna do when he finds out about this ?

This is now part of my plot to kill my kids so I can start a new life somewhere else .

Here you go .

Here's your soup .

It's undercooked .

We won't eat it .

The game is just like , oh , you thought the soup was done ?

Go ahead and feed it to your kids then .

Oh no , this will be rich .

Let's see .

You feed the soup to your kids if you think it's done .

You know , better than us .

Go ahead .

See how they like it .

They didn't like it and I would just like to add that the entire time I played this game .

Mommy was very poorly treated .

No one ever said .

Thank you mommy .

No one ever said .

Wow , you're such a great mommy .

Thank you for the soup .

As someone with a mommy .

I find that disgusting .

Even I know that that's fucked up .

And I'm six weeks old .

There are some in game purchases available in this game .

You can buy new family members .

I can pick different people , not additional family members , but you can pay to swap out your current family members with ones that you like better for only 9 99 you can tear your family apart .

Pop yourself a new son .

Look at cool .

This one is tired of your daughter looking like a 40 year old woman .

Now , she's gonna look like a different 40 year old woman .

What's nice about this game though is it doesn't try to force these in game purchases on you .

The game developers were like if you want to kill your entire family and swap them out with people that look different .

Um The game developers were like if you want to kill your entire family and swap them out with new people , you can , but that's on you .

Our hands are clean , dude .

We didn't say you had to do that .

This game was actually the funnest game I played the entire time and I was actually really excited to beat it and I was planning on playing every single level until , uh , I've come upon a level with no controls or instructions .

Um , I'm unable to move .

I just can't , I can't do anything .

The game just stopped working .

There's no controls .

Mommy , mommy go , maybe it's voice controlled .

Mommy go .

Mommy walk .

So I guess I'll just exit out of the app and never open it again .

Welcome to Horse .

All right partner .

And how did he do ?

It's time to talk about talking who in real life taking care of a horse consists of brushing it and letting it like salt and that's it .

I think .

So , let's see if we can do those things in the game as is tradition .

This game presents no introduction or explanation of what this game is going to be .

In fact , it actually kind of tries to pretend like you've played the game before .

Continue .

What an interesting button to make you press at the beginning of a game .

I just want to make sure you're comfortable continuing to start the game .

Are you good with that ?

Ok , cool .

Continue .

And this is talking horse .

There's a horse on the screen and a few things you can do with the horse .

He can dance .

Oh shit .

Get it .

Little horse .

He can also fart .

And there's actually a couple of secret things that aren't labeled as like buttons that you can do on the main page .

It's kind of like the secret menu at Starbucks , for example , you know how if you go to Starbucks , they don't have beating up a horse on the menu .

But if you ask , they will let you do it .

What happens if I poke him ?

Oh shit .

Did I beat up my horse right at the beginning ?

The game also prompts you to allow access to your microphone .

And once you do that , you get to find out why the game is called Talking Horse .

What is he doing ?

He's like looking at something .

Am I supposed to click on that ?

You think I'm supposed to click on that little chick ?

Click , click what ?

Wait , hello , he copies .

You imagine how many people have played this game and were not talking to their phone while they played this game and just never found out why the game was called Talking Horse , Kennedy .

Yo , this is crazy .

Press on the little video game controller on the main page and you will be taken to a list of mini games you can play with the horse .

You got Jumpy Horse , which is basically a direct copy of jump .

If you guys remember that game , you got horse smash , where the violence towards horses continues .

Horse smash has a normal mode and then also a hostage mode .

You know how horses are always taking hostages is the horse taking people hostage .

Yeah , the horse sometimes has a duck and I'm guessing I don't want to hit the duck , whatever you do , don't hit the duck , dude , that's animal abuse .

But if you ever see a horse pop out of one of those holes , break its skull with your hammer , kill the horse .

Wait , so they have a jumpy horse and horse jump .

They really couldn't come up with any other game mechanics .

They were like , how about a jumping game ?

A smacking game ?

And then I don't know , dude , a jumping game .

What do you want to play ?

You wanna come up with ideas all day , you can collect coins a few different ways from what I've gathered .

You can get them in games and you can also buy them with real human money .

And when you have enough , you can unlock new and fun things that you can watch your horse do and not to brag or anything .

But I did unlock everything in the game and now my horse can walk on a treadmill and you know what , I'm proud of him .

I'm really proud of my little horsey .

I'm really happy that I played this game .

It brought a lot of joy to my life .

I'm not scared of the horse .

I'm not terrified of the horse .

I didn't delete the game immediately after filming .

I really like this horse transition transition .

I guess this is the part of the video where I'm supposed to have reached some kind of conclusion about what I just did .

But honestly , I don't really think I learned that much aside from the fact that there are a lot of games on the App store that are not fun .

And also I have to remember to cancel this subscription to Virtual Boys .

Was that a subscription or was that a one time payment thing ?

I gotta go figure that out .

I gotta , I gotta make sure that I cancel that if I need to cancel that .

All right .

Well , anyway , thank you for watching .

I'm gonna go do that and you can go ahead and do and subscribe deal .

Ok ?

Good bye .