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Hello and welcome to how to completely ruin your health and well being .

If you're looking to make terrible choices and sabotage your future health , you've come to the right place .

Let's dive right into my recommendations .

Realize there is no bad food group .

As long as you eat in moderation , you can eat absolutely anything .

This includes junk food in moderation , but let's not call it junk food .

Let's call it fast food or ultra processed food that will make you feel a little bit better .

The next time you go buy food , spend most of your time in the center of the grocery store , ignoring the perimeter .

This way you will save a lot of money and this is where all the cheap empty calories food is located and don't forget to bring your kids .

Just make sure they're hungry and tired before you walk into the store .

Make sure you buy no vegetables or meats or cheeses because they go bad very quickly .

Say hello to the ultra processed sugary starches , seed oils and processed snacks .

They virtually have no expiration date .

Remember the more artificial , the better and regarding red meat , it's like smoking a cigarette it causes cancer .

So stick with the ultra processed foods .

You will not regret it .

Step number two , enjoy life .

So quench your thirst and get hydrated with these sugary sodas , energy drinks and sugar laden fruit juices .

But just make sure you ignore the fact that they might lead to weight gain diabetes and a whole host of other health issues .

But so as they say , Coke adds life .

Take that to the grave , I mean , take that to heart .

Also realize that our food pyramid is based on science .

Just ignore the rumor that most of the scientists that actually created the dietary guidelines have conflict of interest .

You only live once so enjoy yourself .

Those wonderful delicious chips that are like sponges for hydrogenated seed oils , added synthetic sugars and monosodium glutamate will comfort soul and as a really great benefit because of all the preservatives , they have no shelf life that last for years .

So don't worry , not even the bugs , we eat them .

These comfort foods will comfort you and protect you against the stresses of life .

Step three , develop a sedentary lifestyle , avoid any form of exercise and embrace your inner couch potato .

Remember , mobility is overrated .

Exercise can be dangerous .

I mean , you could flip and fall .

It's much safer to stay inside your house .

And studies have shown that if you just fidget more while you're watching TV , and eating that popcorn , you can actually burn a few more calories per hour .

But just make sure you always have plenty of excuses , the weather , the holidays , your busy schedule , blame something , anything because it's not your fault .

Just cycle through your excuses and never admit that you have anything to do with any of your health problems .

You've just been dealt some bad genes .

You should have picked your parents a little bit more wisely .

Step four .

Always find a way to sabotage yourself when you start making headway and make some healthy changes or you maybe you start to lose some weight .

Reward yourself instantly with a doughnut or a big bowl of ice cream .

Step five .

Stay inside .

Avoid the outdoors at all costs .

Who needs sunshine , fresh air and nature ?

When you can stay indoors in your own little bubble , we do not want to let all that dangerous sun touch your skin .

And if you do go outside , lather your body with sun blocker , that way you can block all your vitamin D .

I'm sorry .

I meant UV .

Radiation .

Stay indoors because if that nasty air pollution doesn't get you , the sun will couch surfing and binge watching TV .

Should be your next main hobbies .

It's much safer .

Stay glued to that screen and you know any news about this EMF radiation coming off your computer screen or your TV screen .

It's just fake news very soon .

The metaverse will be here .

Who needs a real world experience when you can live your entire life in a virtual reality bubble step , six , eat eight meals a day .

Now , let's talk about your new anti intermittent fasting schedule .

The eight meal a day strategy really works because you'll never feel hungry ever again .

In fact , you'll be grazing all day long , like friendly cow and don't forget to bring those snacks everywhere you go after all .

You never know when you might encounter a snack emergency , blood sugar crash .

No problem .

That's why we have our glucose pills waiting for you .

These will fix your hypoglycemia .

Your doctor has got your back and they'll manage those blood sugar spikes and crashes while you enjoy your never ending feast .

Step seven .

Realize all calories are exactly the same and don't buy into this idea that certain calories trigger certain hormones .

Eating a 500 calorie meal of delicious doughnuts is exactly the same as eating a balanced whole food , nutritionally dense 500 calorie meal .

Remember a calorie is a calorie .

This is science step eight , late night snacking , develop a late night snacking habit and those high omega six fatty acid seed oil snacks .

Hey , just go ahead and devour that giant bowl of ice cream before bedtime and induce a sugar coma .

I'm sorry , I meant induce a good night's sleep .

Step nine .

Check with your doctor realize that alternative care could be very dangerous .

So always check with your doctor before taking anything natural because they have the experience in training and nutrition .

They've done studies you know , 60% of the time it works every time .

But if in doubt , ask Dr Google , this is your go to 100% unbiased source of true information .

And don't worry if you have health and literacy , they will help you identify what true misinformation is as well .

Step 10 sleep .

Listen , you have plenty of time to sleep when you're dead , sleeping is overrated .

Drink as much coffee as you need to stay awake .

Step 11 .

Embrace your inner pharmacy .

Listen , health is about managing your diseases .

Why bother staying healthy when you can keep your symptoms suppressed and your symptoms managed until someday when they find a cure .

If one medication gives you a side effect .

Don't worry , we can give you another medication that can treat that side effect very easily .

But don't worry , they wouldn't sell these drugs unless they were safe and effective .

At least most of the time , I think it's really important to choose your side effect wisely and lastly step 12 , stay blind and unaware , resist any change .

Don't seek knowledge about nutrition , exercise or diet , bad habits are a normal part of life .

Continue to believe that your health condition is genetic and there's nothing you can do about it .