Hello and welcome to how to completely ruin your health and well being .
If you're looking to make terrible choices and sabotage your future health , you've come to the right place .
Let's dive right into my recommendations .
Realize there is no bad food group .
As long as you eat in moderation , you can eat absolutely anything .
This includes junk food in moderation , but let's not call it junk food .
Let's call it fast food or ultra processed food that will make you feel a little bit better .
The next time you go buy food , spend most of your time in the center of the grocery store , ignoring the perimeter .
This way you will save a lot of money and this is where all the cheap empty calories food is located and don't forget to bring your kids .
Just make sure they're hungry and tired before you walk into the store .
Make sure you buy no vegetables or meats or cheeses because they go bad very quickly .
Say hello to the ultra processed sugary starches , seed oils and processed snacks .
They virtually have no expiration date .
Remember the more artificial , the better and regarding red meat , it's like smoking a cigarette it causes cancer .
So stick with the ultra processed foods .
You will not regret it .
Step number two , enjoy life .
So quench your thirst and get hydrated with these sugary sodas , energy drinks and sugar laden fruit juices .
But just make sure you ignore the fact that they might lead to weight gain diabetes and a whole host of other health issues .
But so as they say , Coke adds life .
Take that to the grave , I mean , take that to heart .
Also realize that our food pyramid is based on science .
Just ignore the rumor that most of the scientists that actually created the dietary guidelines have conflict of interest .
You only live once so enjoy yourself .
Those wonderful delicious chips that are like sponges for hydrogenated seed oils , added synthetic sugars and monosodium glutamate will comfort soul and as a really great benefit because of all the preservatives , they have no shelf life that last for years .
So don't worry , not even the bugs , we eat them .
These comfort foods will comfort you and protect you against the stresses of life .
Step three , develop a sedentary lifestyle , avoid any form of exercise and embrace your inner couch potato .
Remember , mobility is overrated .
Exercise can be dangerous .
I mean , you could flip and fall .
It's much safer to stay inside your house .
And studies have shown that if you just fidget more while you're watching TV , and eating that popcorn , you can actually burn a few more calories per hour .
But just make sure you always have plenty of excuses , the weather , the holidays , your busy schedule , blame something , anything because it's not your fault .
Just cycle through your excuses and never admit that you have anything to do with any of your health problems .
You've just been dealt some bad genes .
You should have picked your parents a little bit more wisely .
Step four .
Always find a way to sabotage yourself when you start making headway and make some healthy changes or you maybe you start to lose some weight .
Reward yourself instantly with a doughnut or a big bowl of ice cream .
Step five .
Stay inside .
Avoid the outdoors at all costs .
Who needs sunshine , fresh air and nature ?
When you can stay indoors in your own little bubble , we do not want to let all that dangerous sun touch your skin .
And if you do go outside , lather your body with sun blocker , that way you can block all your vitamin D .
I'm sorry .
I meant UV .
Stay indoors because if that nasty air pollution doesn't get you , the sun will couch surfing and binge watching TV .
Should be your next main hobbies .
It's much safer .
Stay glued to that screen and you know any news about this EMF radiation coming off your computer screen or your TV screen .
It's just fake news very soon .
The metaverse will be here .
Who needs a real world experience when you can live your entire life in a virtual reality bubble step , six , eat eight meals a day .
Now , let's talk about your new anti intermittent fasting schedule .
The eight meal a day strategy really works because you'll never feel hungry ever again .
In fact , you'll be grazing all day long , like friendly cow and don't forget to bring those snacks everywhere you go after all .
You never know when you might encounter a snack emergency , blood sugar crash .
No problem .
That's why we have our glucose pills waiting for you .
These will fix your hypoglycemia .
Your doctor has got your back and they'll manage those blood sugar spikes and crashes while you enjoy your never ending feast .
Step seven .
Realize all calories are exactly the same and don't buy into this idea that certain calories trigger certain hormones .
Eating a 500 calorie meal of delicious doughnuts is exactly the same as eating a balanced whole food , nutritionally dense 500 calorie meal .
Remember a calorie is a calorie .
This is science step eight , late night snacking , develop a late night snacking habit and those high omega six fatty acid seed oil snacks .
Hey , just go ahead and devour that giant bowl of ice cream before bedtime and induce a sugar coma .
I'm sorry , I meant induce a good night's sleep .
Step nine .
Check with your doctor realize that alternative care could be very dangerous .
So always check with your doctor before taking anything natural because they have the experience in training and nutrition .
They've done studies you know , 60% of the time it works every time .
But if in doubt , ask Dr Google , this is your go to 100% unbiased source of true information .
And don't worry if you have health and literacy , they will help you identify what true misinformation is as well .
Step 10 sleep .
Listen , you have plenty of time to sleep when you're dead , sleeping is overrated .
Drink as much coffee as you need to stay awake .
Step 11 .
Embrace your inner pharmacy .
Listen , health is about managing your diseases .
Why bother staying healthy when you can keep your symptoms suppressed and your symptoms managed until someday when they find a cure .
If one medication gives you a side effect .
Don't worry , we can give you another medication that can treat that side effect very easily .
But don't worry , they wouldn't sell these drugs unless they were safe and effective .
At least most of the time , I think it's really important to choose your side effect wisely and lastly step 12 , stay blind and unaware , resist any change .
Don't seek knowledge about nutrition , exercise or diet , bad habits are a normal part of life .
Continue to believe that your health condition is genetic and there's nothing you can do about it .