I GAINED IT ALL BACK (A Week of Eating After Weight Gain) _ Dieting, Restricting & Hating My Body

I'm disappointed in you , Linda .

You've let yourself go .

Do you see yourself in the mirror ?

Take a good long look at yourself .

Is this really you ?

Are you happy with ?

Who's staring back at you ?

The extra fat , the extra weight ?

How big your arms have gone ?

The size of your stomach ?

Aren't you embarrassed of your body ?

Do you actually think people want to look at you when you look like that ?

Are you being kind to your body ?

So Linda , are you proud of yourself ?

No , I guess not .

How did I let myself go ?

I've come so far on my journey with self love and self acceptance and building and working on my confidence and finding worth from the parts of me that I can't physically measure .

I have come so far yet .

Sometimes I feel like I'm right back where I started like I rewind back to eight years ago where my body was everything but right ?

Why does it always come back to me ?

Why did these thoughts always come back ?

Why can I never escape this cycle anytime I gain weight ?

I am still never good enough .

Can't I just love myself ?

I don't know .

I don't know why I have so many bad days .

I don't know why I hate my body when I know I shouldn't , I don't know why it is so much power over me .

My mood , the way I treat myself .

Why does my reflection , my stomach , I have so much power over my mind .

But I do know , I also have good days , days .

I love myself unconditionally when I feel so proud to be me .

And those are the days I feel invincible .

But recently those days , the good ones , I don't feel like I'm getting many of them because it's harder said than done .

I repeatedly say to myself in my head .

You got this .

Your body has got you through an amazing workout .

Your size is not define you again and again and again .

But then I look at myself again and those words mean absolutely nothing .

It's harder said than done .

It's hard to accept yourself through the shitty moments when your body is changing .

When you get bad news , when you feel alone and empty and disappointed in your body , your actions and your mistakes .

It's easy to forget the good , the strength , the journey , the beautiful things when all you can see are the flaws .

But we have to try to see the good .

It's harder stuff than done .

Don't compare yourself .

I say not to the gym , shark athletes , not to your friends , not to yourself .

But what do I do I click on the triggering images ?

Hyper focus on why everyone is better than me in some way , how I was so much better than me in so many ways after going through old videos this past month .

Yes , I acknowledge , I've grown as a person .

I've learned so many new things .

I've met new people taken on amazing projects .

Found an amazing oatmeal recipe .

Like I should be tremendously proud of myself and my body for just being here for pushing through all the rock days , the impossible days and projects and exams .

But looking back , I don't see any of that .

All I can see is my body , how much smaller I was , how much more confident I was .

And I look at myself now and I'm not proud of who I am because of what I look like .

I haven't been able to recognize myself lately , but I shouldn't only be proud of my body when it looks the way I want it to .

Again .

It's always harder said than done .

Learning confidence and kindness is hard .

It's hard over .

I it's really hard , right ?

For me , kindness and confidence kind of goes hand in hand with how I'm taking care of my body .

I realize the times I'm most confident .

It's usually when I'm doing things I know are good for my body , my health and my hygiene .

When I'm struggling .

When I find it so hard to take care of myself , I start by doing simple , easy things that remind me how to love my body again .

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I've mentioned before , but I lost all my hair when I was 13 and well , that was a tough experience .

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Every inch inside and out is deserving of care .

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Someone doesn't like banana .

Oh my God .

So , are you going to lose weight ?

I don't know .

Maybe I do want to lose weight .

I always say life's too short to be miserable and hungry and unhappy with yourself .

Life isn't about your size of the food you eat .

Life shouldn't be wasted on counting every bite and meal instead of counting everything that actually matters .

But I can't live life fully enjoying every moment if I do not live for myself first , I can't love anyone .

If I don't love myself first , I can't be fully happy and present every day if I'm not happy with myself .

If I'm gonna be honest right now in my journey , I'm stressed and confused .

I have leaned on food to be the happiness and relief in my life and everything feels like too much .

And I keep putting myself down .

I've formed unhealthy habits and I've justified that these unhealthy habits are ok .

Oh , my dear life .

Health is multidimensional and a huge part of health for me is being kind to myself restricting when your body is hungry is not being kind but eating beyond the point of fullness every day , trying to find happiness and food while ignoring my body's signals of fullness is also not kindness .

Thank you .

I need to find a balance and whether or not it leads to weight loss , that doesn't freaking matter because that's not what it's about .

Charlotte .

That is a good one .

The barbecue , this is fucking amazing .

What do you really , You cuddling Mr Fox ?

I have been missing the balance between enjoying food and relying on food , between cravings and using food to cope .

And I have been mixing up being kind for my body with making excuses for my actions .

If this was old Linda , she would open up my fitness pal start logging , cutting , restricting , overexercising plan for hunger , encourage hunger .

It wasn't about anything but getting rid of it extra fat on her body as fast as possible .

And I did this a lot and you'd think by the 10th time , I'd realize that it was unsustainable and I should probably like not keep doing it to myself because it wasn't gonna work .

But no , every time sometimes it would last one week , two days , four months , but it never lasted in my head .

I told myself restricting is the only way I could enjoy the food that I love .

This is my , that's what I'm saying .

Like , I don't know why it always has to be like 100% this thing 100% .

It's just not necessary .

Stay a little was such a normal meat was actually really good .

Nobody knows what this is .

But for her , I wish you bye .

Exciting .

I mean , you meet people who have problems , they seem , you know , they're very stretched over , they're very ugly or aggressive .

I mean , ugly , like , in terms of personality , aggressive and confession time I red downloaded my fitness pal a few days ago because I convinced myself that having that control portioning and preplan would somehow make me love my body more .

Well , it does work for some people .

I was quickly reminded that this is not the way health is done right for me .

This is not going to help me listen to my body .

It's not going to make me happy .

It's not going to let me live .

So I literally just stopped and said , screw it .

We're going to start from day one and we're going to take it one day at a time listening , caring , fueling my body and building back my self confidence one day , one meal , one workout at a time .

They look really not good .

Yeah .

No food is off limits .

I'm a strong advocate for the no limitation diet .

It's the only one I can sustain for my whole life .

And the five and the only diet that makes me feel satisfied .

What are these called yellow grapefruits ?

No foods are off limits .

I have to listen to my body's limits .

Cravings are listened to hunger is heard .

Random food thoughts and urges to eat will be taken into consideration .

But I'm avoiding the mindless , careless bored eating the eating .

I do when I just want something to give me a little bit of happiness in the moment before I eat .

I'm going to ask myself , is this going to do something for me ?

Is it feel for a workout ?

It's going to satisfy my hunger ?

Is it a craving ?

Will it make me happy or will it make me uncomfortable and feel like poo ?

I want to eat .

What makes me and my body and my mind happiest and know that not just ice cream and peanut butter , it can include fast food and chips and ice cream and lots of peanut butter .

But what makes my body happiest is feeling with a good balance of everything .

Colorful , fresh nutrient dense foods .

Most of the time , flavorful foods , experimenting with different types of spices and seasoning food that makes me feel strong in a workout foods that I just love like oats and pancakes and peanut butter and apples .

I'm really just trying to focus in on just eating the foods that make me feel like the best version of me regardless of my size .

And it's not only about the foods , but I need to implant habits to prevent me from feeling like I needed to rely on food as the only way I could distress .

So I've taken on yoga .

I do breathing exercises .

I don't read comments anymore .

I remind myself to just do one thing at a time and that I have to start living for me and not for the numbers , you know , there were and are many routes to the problem in this case .

But the biggest thickest route will always be my mindset .

I know you want some oats but they're mine .

Why does an extra £8 scare me so much ?

What will it do to me ?

How will it change me ?

How will it change the ways others treat me ?

It won't , it only changes the way you treat yourself if you let it the way I see it .

If I gain or lose weight from eating enough food , practicing food , freedom and living my life the way I want for me , that's with tablespoons of peanut butter on my oats .

Bites of being throughout the day and not saying no to seconds if that's the life I want to live .

And if I feel strong and alive at this weight and this size , the point where I have to acknowledge that maybe this is the weight my body should be at and this is the body I was meant to have .

It's fluffy .

Oh Who oh .

This fish is so good .

The zucchini is even good .

The rice .

So fluffy live the lifestyle you thrive off .

Don't live for the body shape .

You wish to live in if you give up the happy parts of your life because only then do you think you can be truly happy with yourself ?

And trust me when I say you won't truly be happy and you won't truly be you good .

That was like 50 minutes felt like three seconds .

Where did the time go ?

Maybe it was a pre workout , I guess pre workout actually work .

I'm feeling like energized still .

Like , like my fingers are like tingly .

How about the caffeine ?

Oh , so trust your body to find its happy point where you can live the life you want .

Whether that be counting macros going out for drinks every weekend , eating chips every day because you love them .

You can do all those things and you shouldn't let a certain size or weight make you give up the parts of life you love most .

The weight doesn't change what I can do .

I can still take pictures of my sports bra .

I can work out and camera .

I can still eat all my favorite foods and I can still destroy a workout and I can even still love my body .

I can still be me and advocate for body acceptance and say all these things and still want to change and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise .

Oh I feel good .

I was like smart .

They literally just made a bowl .

Yeah , one is for , it's quite nice .

I'm still gonna take steps to make me and my body feel healthier .

I want to eat more veggies , incorporate more whole foods , practice not eating when I'm already at my limit is so perfect .

Right now , I want to let go of the guilt .

I want to get stronger , lift , heavier and these goals will change and they're allowed to change , to grow is to change .

And goals will change as life changes , I will eat differently .

Think differently .

My body will look differently and not every change will be comfortable at first , but no body shape is forever .

So instead of focusing on our ever changing bodies , instead of trying to mold my body and my life into something perfect into something , it's not embrace your body as it is who you are , as you are and embrace who you're becoming and what your body will do next .

I hope that you know that there is nothing to be embarrassed about .

You should never be embarrassed or ashamed of a body that has literally never done anything but try to take care of you .

Your body is yours for a reason and your body is beautiful for so many different reasons .

And I forgot that I keep forgetting that I forget that life gets very unpredictable and very stressful randomly .

And we all have our ways to cope .

And so does my body , my body has a way to cope with stresses , my lack of sleep , my need for some comfort food during some very uncomfortable times no day or chapter of life is ever the same .

So part of accepting change is also accepting yourself .

It's easy to forget your worth .

And we aren't constantly being reminded of it every day .

Instead , we are constantly reminded by social media and by ourselves that we aren't worthy and we aren't enough .

अगर आप ये चाहते हो घर पे एक्सरसाइज करके आप अपनी बौडी बना पाए तो ये विडियो बहुत ध्यान से देखना ।

इस विडियो में मैं आपको वर्कआउट तो बताऊंगा ही साथ में विडियो के अंत में मैं आपको कुछ ऐसी टिप्स देने वाला हूँ जो आपको किसी ने नहीं बताई होंगी ।

और ये सारी चीजे आजमा के आप अपनी बहुत ही ज्यादा मस्क्यूलर बौडी बना पाओगे ।

जो जो एक्सरसाइज बताऊंगा बडे ही ध्यान से एक्सरसाइज को देखना और अपने घर पे परफॉर्म करना और अपनी बौडी को मस्क्यूलर बना लेना ।

चलिए आते हैं अपनी पहली एक्सरसाइज पे देखिए जब भी हम एक्सरसाइज करें तो शुरुआत में हमें अपनी बौडी को थोडा सा गरम करना होता है तो थोडा सा वॉर्म करना होता है तभी एक्सरसाइज का हमें फायदा मिलता है ।

तो पहली एक्सरसाइज हम जो करेंगे वो करेंगे स्पोर्ट रनिंग स्पोर्ट रनिंग में आपको एक जगह पर ही खडे होके और हल्का सा रनिंग करना होता है ।

रनिंग जैसा पोश्चर परफॉर्म करना होता है ।

इससे हमारी जो बौडी होती है वो बहुत ही तेजी से गर्म हो जाती है और ये जो पोस्टर है आपको केवल तीस सेकंड से लेकर पैंतालीस सेकंड तक करना हो ।

Yeah .

Graduate .

Ok .

I can give you dear my body for all the years .

I've ignored you and just have been a terrible housekeeper .

I'm sorry , I'm sorry for all the hurtful things I've said while you were literally just trying to protect .

Yeah .

I mean , some days sorry for confusing you by not giving you the rest and nutrients you needed while you continue to nourish me .

I'm sorry for years of judging you for not being proud of you , for always trying to change you rather than trying to understand and respect you .

Thanks for loving me when I really didn't love you back , I realize now real growth isn't about being more of anything but me .

What I believe what I strive to be the person I am the person I will be .

That is me .

So I will stop trying to fight against her , stop trying to make her smaller than she's meant to be .

You deserve more from me .

You deserve my attention for the health .

You give me the life .

You let me live the hours of editing I put you through .

I shouldn't punish you and blame you and hate you for the ways you respond to the way I chose to take care of you .

It's not your fault .

I need to do a better job at taking care of my own body .

You deserve more to be spoken to in kind words , to be fueled with the right foods to be trusted .

Now , I see why they say you can't have a good relationship where there's no trust , happiness and success was not about doing myself weighing less than before , eating less than before being more disciplined , making more money .

No happiness was about being true to who I was .

It was about living for you .

इतनी देर में आपकी जो बौडी है वो काफी ज्यादा फॉर्म हो जाती है ।

उसके बाद में हम बात करते हैं अपनी दूसरी एक्सरसाइज की जो की आपकी ॅ मसल को बहुत तेजी से ग्रो करती है ।

जिसे हम बोलते हैं स्क्वाॅड या जिसे हम दंड बैठक भी बोलते हैं ।

इस एक्सरसाइज को हम कुछ इस तरीके से परफॉर्म करते हैं ।

ये एक्सरसाइज अगर आप लोग परफॉर्म करते हो तो आपके जो पैर आपके जो ॅ मसल्स है , काफी तेजी से स्ट्रॉंग बनती है , आपकी बौडी में डॅाल बढता है उसी के साथ में आप जो खाना खा वो आपकी बौडी में सही से लगता है क्योंकि आपका प्रोटीन साॅस बढ जाता है ।

आप जो प्रोटीन खाते हैं वो आपकी बॉडी में सही से लगेगा और तभी आपकी बौडी बनने में आसानी होगी ।

उसके बाद बात करते हैं अपनी तीसरी एक्सरसाइज की जिसको लगभग सभी लोग करते होंगे जिसे हम बोलते हैं ।

पुशअप पुशअप कैसे लगाना ?

इसके ऊपर पहले भी मैं विडियो बना चुका हूँ ।

आइ बटन में डाल दूँगा या डिस्क्रिप्शन में डाल दूँगा तो एक बार जरूर देख लीजियेगा ।

अब देखिये पुशअप में क्या क्या होता है ।

पुशअप भी हमें दो तरीके के करने चाहिए ।

एक तो हम ना पुशअप करते ही करते हैं उसके अलावा एक पुशअप हम करते हैं इनक्लाइन पुशअप जिसे हम कुछ इस तरीके से परफॉर्म करते हैं ।

इस पुशअप में हमें अपने हाथों को किसी ऊँची चीज पे रखना होता है और हमारे जो पैर होते हैं वो नीचे होते हैं और इस पुशअप को परफॉर्म करने से हमारी जो ॅ मसल है वो काफी तेजी से ग्रो होती है ।

उसी के साथ में इसका दूसरा ऍम होता है जिसे हम बोलते हैं डिक्लाइन पुशअप डिक्लाइन पुशअप में अपने ऊपर के शरीर को हम नीचे रखते हैं और अपने पैरों ऊंचाई पे रखते हैं जिससे हमारी जो अपर्च होती है वो काफी तेजी से ग्रो होती है ।

इन दोनों एक्सरसाइज इळाके आप लोगों को लगाने होते हैं ।

दो दो सेट लगाने होते हैं और बारह बारह ऍन की ।

उसके बाद बात करते हैं अपनी चौथी एक्सरसाइज की जो कि हमारे गाँव के लिए बहुत ही अच्छी एक्सरसाइज है ।